wachuka n thots

Hi Riki , I planned to write this on Saturday 21st September, 2013 .  However on that day my heart was heavy with the attack at your favorite shopping mall the west gate in westlands Nairobi. I am still hoping that this did not spoil your day as I wish for the best in our country. I am thus writing this today to commemorate that special day when you came to my life and that of our family. You had started silently growing in me over nine months earlier on that September day of 2006.  Your sister was only over an year old when the doctor confirmed that indeed you were on your way here.  You stayed calm there in your special house made by God to prepare babies before they are ready for the world.  I was happy that you were coming but was also concerned, you see your sister was still a baby herself and still needed my undivided attention.  At some point I had to leave her with Shosh so I could fully take care of you. By   September 20th  2006, I was already getting a bit anxious,

This far Lord you have brought me and all I can say is THANK YOU.      Today I am quite a different person from that skinny inquisitive kid who wouldn't rest until I got all the answers.  Now I have learnt that some things are better not to know that the less you know the better you are. I have learnt the different fights to  take, those to leave and those to fight on another day. I  have learnt that we don't have to agree to be friends that even if you are my friend you have your own opinion.  I have also learnt that there are friends for different reasons and just because they did not visit you at the hospital when you were sick it does not mean that they do not care or that they love you less.  I have learnt that I need to be independent strong and self sufficient but I also sometimes need guidance and being led by the hand.  It has been a long journey and the horizon is still far but thus far I have learnt a lot of life skills and the difference it has with a lifeskills.

29th July 2013 Today I decided to start keeping a diary of my stay here I may use it I may not.  I arrived here on 8th of July having spent a day in Dubai. Where are the bombed places? I have yet to see a suicide bomb attack....then why cant I go to the neighbours. Life for the past three, weeks has not be so hard as I had expected thats why they say expect less.  It is ok to be here, of course I miss my babies and my sweetheart and family and friends even the jam.  But its ok I have more time to reflect to get into perspective and to visit my psych. Its too hot thats why I am sitting out here to atleast enjoy the breeze.  I already talked to Riki I am happy today we had a conversation.  Since I left Nairobi its always Mama I want a token( blue band has a competion) or Mama now that you are not here can I watch cartoons, this boy really knows how to apply charm.  Now Rigz has joined the scouts I wish I was there to see her march out on the 25th.  You see this are the things I hav

I am a woman by all means. Yes a little on the weighty side that's African and with a college degree to boot. I wake up at 5am and do not go to bed before midnight.  From 8am to 5pm sometimes 6 ,7 or 8, sometimes longer,  I toil in somebody else's creative designed work(that's what they think whom am I to judge) . Not that I am not creative myself but I am still climbing this ladder albeit slower than I had anticipated.  I have two children they could be three but the number is just fine I can't complain at least I have a boy and a girl every mothers perfect number. My day starts with snoozing the alarm till I can't bare it any more and boy do I have anything to wear today, oh what day is it. If its Monday it has to be a tailored suit previously owned across the oceans I like to fantasize who could have had this figure since it fits just OK if we ignore the over stretched button area. I cannot have breakfast since you know this third world countries with their m

Forgive Me for Liking You too much, I'll forgive You for not liking Me enough.. Forgive Me for the loud racing of My Heart, I'll forgive You for not hearing it. Forgive Me for finding You amazing, I'll forgive You for never noticing.. Forgive Me for wanting to be with You more than anything, I'll forgive You for avoiding Me.. Forgive Me for not being able to let go, I'll forgive You for never holding on.!!  copied

Why should my heart skip a bit when I see your face, why should it do this even when my conscious self is asleep and my subconscious is in control.  Why should I continue thinking about you long after you are gone. Explain why I keep coming back even after you have said it is over.  Why should my heart go on singing even where it should be mourning. Why do I keep passing that place where I first saw you smiling, then I thought it was at me. Why do I still want to believe the smile was for me even after my mind has understood it was just a trap a snare to lure me to you.  Explain my dear why I cannot see another when I know I can never be yours. Why do I still wait eagerly for the phone to ring though I know you are never calling again. Your number from my cell I need not delete for I know it off head.  Explain to me why the only smell I know is of your cologne, mixed with sweat and why it is the sweetest smell for me.  Tell me my dear why even when I ask all these questions the answer

Day by day I think of no other and as night nears I want you nearer and if a kiss is what you want,  you have it my honey, for I want you to drink from the well of my pit. My bosom heaves with wonder as I await that tender touch, and when you touch me  I know I will not dare breath again I am electrified though it's so calm. I had the taste, and all night, I dream of going back there to devour of that great place where I first felt warm A man reserves his true and deepest love, not for the species of the woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en-kindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy Then we will wait patiently for that day of wonder when we shall not speak but feel and let our hearts talk to each other and our souls as they wonder meet each other far yonder A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love, I love u and you are my sunshine Some parts are copied or adapted

Most often than not we get lost in the things that we do as routine, working hard to achieve goals, loving family and friends, keeping relationships and just moving on with life.  What we don't stop to think is are these things really things we love to do? Do I love the work I diligently give my all in  or am I doing it for my daily bread? Since we have to eke a living anyway we get lost in doing what we do day in day out even if it bores us to death.   We hate some aspects of our lives, relationships, commitments or even routines but we do them anyway.  There is nothing wrong with doing all this as we have to get by, however, choose something you love to do and dedicate time and energy to do it once in a while.  Do this however tired or pressed for time you are.   After sometime when all else is no longer useful, when you have had all the money you needed or lack it, when the kids are all grown up, when the marriage or relationship is no more, when you look at the the mirror

The greatest command God has given us is love. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' No other commandment is greater than this." Mark 12:31    Love summarizes all the other commands.   Jesus makes it even harder for us He says if you Love your friends that’s nothing even pagans do so, you are better of if you love your enemy Luke 6:35   Rather, love your enemies, help them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then you will have a great reward. You will be the children of the Most High God. After all, he is kind to unthankful and evil people.   So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the best one of these is love. 1Cor 13:13 The Bible time and again gives us great examples of God’s immense love for us mankind.   The sum total of this love is the love our savior had for us that He went as far as dying for us on the cross. The people of Jesus’ time were the most difficult; they had stayed rooted in their wrong ways and had gotte

I pride myself to be of above average IQ but recently I have had situations where I have questioned that very brilliant mind given some of the decisions I have made.  It is indeed hard for the kind of mind I have that has to breakdown every little detail and place it rationally in its precise correct and sometimes permanent position.  Nothing happens out of chance.  Oh whom am I kidding sometimes its better to let things be and not think too much into issues.  The more you take your brain on an override the more you get confused. So I have decided for my own sanity let some things be and have fun all the way. St Augustine the great scholar once encountered a boy trying to empty the ocean, I am reminded by his story that some things are beyond reasoning and can only be understood through feeling. At times we need to let our inner selves experience the depth of the situation instead of letting our rational minds go into zig zags. I have learnt quite fast indeed that in life things ar

As the sun goes down and the evening nears when the shadows of life grow longer there I meet with my insane mind.  As that time comes when I see the sun up yonder and realize the day is gone then I meet with that part of me that I have been running away from. As darkness slowly peeks in to replace the light of day my mind becomes awake to all that I have been avoiding day long.  My brains running overtime trying to fulfill all that I should have while I lazed all through the sunshine. Tomorrow I will ensure that before the sun goes down I will have occupied my mind with all  these now that twist and twist around in my brain. But that is what i said yesterday and the day before that and that before this.  I just have to accept I am running mad