wachuka n thots

Today on all souls day i want to recount the loss my family has gone through and to pray for the souls of all the dear departed, but specifically from my family,.  My mother was an orphan, she does not remember much of her mother, she has memories of her father but he too died before she was a teenager. My mom's family only has one sibling currently alive.   My dad's parents died before I was born, my grandfather was burnt in his hut in Nyagatugu village dring the emergency (1952-1958) due to his Maumau dealings, two of my uncles disappeared then never to be traced again. His mother died in 1973. The whole of my dad's family is deceased.  The first death in my nuclear family happened when I was too young, I do not remember much and what I know is mixed up from stories and my own memories. My sister the one I immediately follow was knocked down by a car just outside St Theresa's Catholic Church while crossing the road to attend mass, together with her classmates....

This week my baby turned eighteen. What a wonderful experience. Where did the time go, just the other day this boy was born. I remember like it was yesterday the day he was born. I cant see the laces where time went to. One day a little energetic little bomb of energy and in no time a six foot young man gentle and loving.  Rikis birthday every year falls while he is in school this year we intended to do it differently, postpone and celebrate in December during his school break. This in collabo with beautiful Rigz who was so gracious to accept.  See, Rigz was born in December so all her birthdays have been while she is home. So did that happen, no because man plans but God orders our steps . We lost Mama on the same weekend we planned to celebrate Riki and Rigz birthdays.  Let me tell you about Riki, he is the boy that I got when  was aware of exactly what I was doing, old enough to make the decision to bring forth another human being who will be solely dependen...

In English we say: "Why wasn't I enough?" But in poetry we say: "I wore the masks you chose for me, swallowed the words you didn't want to hear, and built myself around your anger, yet your eyes never softened when they looked at me." In English, we say: "You didn't reply." But in poetry, we say: "Your silence said what your words couldn't." In English, we say: "I overthink." But in poetry, we say: "I replay your words a thousand times, searching for a meaning you never meant."

 Dear God,  I am writing this after a provocation, thank you for sending Mwende to remind me that you are still on the throne. Wah I have been crying cursing and wondering but You have just been there telling me it's gonna be okay, mbona sikuskia.  Today I am still sad tears fall down my cheeks but I have hope, I keep saying you have brought me thus far but I have never looked at it from your perspective, thank you for refocusing my view.  I am not seeing clearly yet but I know with certaintyokay that the cloud ahead will clear.  In 2020 when I was locked down in Yemen, I saw you work wonders, these children of mine showed a maturity I did not know they possessed, I will never forget the list of items Riki wrote for the items they needed for stockpiling, it looked like it was written by an expert in emergency planning God, my boy included sanitary towels for the girls in that list, Panadol band-aids and a lot of disinfectants, that list came from you. I remember...

 My mother has gone through pain, I feel it physically I see it in her eyes, but my mother is a strong person.  My mothers childhood is a blur up until she got married to my dad its difficult to decipher what happened to her, I know she lost both her parents when she was very young, her mother maybe when she was like 6 or 7 and her father who was already absent working in Nairobi before she was a teenager maybe at 11/12.  The pain of her childhood having to care for her younger sister and to live with relatives is something she does not talk much about.  My mother was married when she was 16/18 (I don't know for sure I just guess from calculations in history) in the year 1956 her marriage to my father was not out of love but out of necessity at the height of the emergency (1952-1958) being an orphaned girl with no protection (male protector) as her elder brother was in Nairobi. My father himself only a few years older was a good choice as he was a student and that me...

 Today a new chapter in our lives begins. My child my firstborn, my baby my sweet Warigia is no longer a child but a young adult. Sherlyn Warigia aka Rigz turns 18 today drum beats .............  I thank God for the grace of being a mother He chose me for this wonderful child His gift to me wrapped in the most wonderful person I ever knew.  God you have been faithful, you have heard each cry and answered each prayer, you have directed my path in this journey and I say, Ahsante Baba. Your Holy Spirit has been the guiding principle that has lit the path we have taken and through His divine wisdom guided me to make the right choices for this child and for this, I say Ahsante Muumba. Your son has been the gentle reminder of the sacrifices he made on Calvary for me and mankind and His example has made me learn to sacrifice and carry my cross obediently and for this, I say Ahsante Mwokozi.  I thank you, my mama, you have been a constant in this child's life, we do not know...

Copied from 40 days of fasting by Father CK  This is my declaration over my family: Abba Father I call on Your Name. I know the plans you have for us as a family. Plans to prosper us and give us peace. Plans that we should call on the Name of the Lord! You will let us find You and answer our prayers. Therefore I renounce, reject, cancel & cast out all evil directed towards my family by removing all uncleanness. Destroy all family bloodlines back to Adam and Eve and 10 generations ahead. We don’t allow approve or tolerate any evil to come our way in Jesus Name. Amen.

 First written on my note book in April 2020 amid the corona pandemic 1.  Thank you Jehovah for all the good things that have happened to me; life, just being alive and healthy is a gift from you and I don't take it for granted. Love, family, children, health, providence, sustenance, home opportunities, education, experiences, friends and many more.  I am counting my blessings amid fears and also during good times  2.  I thank you for all the not so good things, the bad, the ugly and the terrible; loss, death, sickness, poverty, loss of money, loss of love, pain, theft, swindling, sins committed to me, sins I committed, sins of omission, injustices to me and to others, lost time, lost opportunities, oppression, abuse, shame, guilt, the corona menace and many more.  I am remembering that God you put me through these hard times and trust you will pull me through always, I am at a better place. Even corona will end.  3.  I thank you for the things in...

   Today 16 years ago my baby girl come to this world and our lives have never been the same. Your smile brighten our hearts, your love warms our house you are a jewel and I love you more each day. When I asked what we could do for her birthday she said she would bake her own cake (yes she has done this for the last 2 birthdays) and we just chill at home. That's the kind of person she is, likes her circle small, actually very small, I suggested she invites a bunch of friends for the party, she said she only has 3 friends. So with four friends and myself we are having a girls only party for two days. Rigz you have grown to be a strong and brave girl but you have never lost your charm, you are still the beautiful smiling baby we know. I thank God each day for giving you to me, just the way you are. You are my pride and joy. As you start this new chapter of your life, the age all women want to remain, sweet sixteen I pray that God goes before and besides you, that you may wa...

I have been always thankful for the things I have but its always at a very general point of view, so today after talking to a colleague a thought crossed my mind to put this list together of the things I am thankful for. This is going to grow and I am sure will never fill since I have so much to be grateful for. 1. Health   I am 44 years old, all my faculties are pretty fine, I hear well, I see well, I am fully healthy I can walk I can run I can use pretty much of all the parts of my body after all these 40+ years. 2. Love I am talking of being loved and loving back and I have had this experience in all its forms, in the naive thinking of love solves all heals all and all the shenanigans, in the intelligent and calculated form of give and take and in the understanding of maturity that it is ok not to have it. 3. Family My children are my joy and happiness and I already forgot how to live without them, my mama is my pillar and strength and my brother and sister add to ...

This Lent I want things to be different and I had decided to cut off all animal protein; meat, chicken fish and all their products but God forgive me I had to reintroduce some products for lack of variety in sourcing plant-based protein, I ate beans for a whole week and gosh vegetarians are so strong. This is not the aim of this post. Its aim is to look at fasting from a very personal and rewarding position. In the olden days' meat was chosen because of its central position in festivities, that is not the case today so it's important to abstain and fast from things that will create a personal challenge and spiritual change.  The pope has a list of things to fast from that makes so much sense; 1. Fast from hurting words and say kind words 2. Fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude 3. Fast from anger and be filled with patience 4. Fast from pessimism and be filled with hope 5. Fast from complaints and contemplate simplicity 6. Fast from pressure and be praye...

Today I say God is wonderful for thus far we have come  Rigz turns 15 and we are gladly rejoicing in the doing of the almighty.  On a day like today 15 years ago you came to the world and made your position in our family known, the first in all and the last by name; Warigia. You are the child that God chose to use to make me take the big step from being just me to being a co-creator with Him, I am humbled that He indeed chose to give me that great responsibility to care for His most precious gift; for you indeed are precious, beautiful, loving and Gods perfect gift to our family. As you turn a year older today I thank God for the far He has brought us and continue to pray that He blesses you abundantly, with more beauty, cheer and favour, may you grow in His love and wisdom, may you conquer all and may you have limitless opportunity for His glory and praise. Today I rededicate the promise I made to you on that day you were born that I will be the best I can be f...

Today I kissed the devil, or is it I left the devil kiss me? Why do I have to feel so bad about something so good? Why does this wrong thing I do seem so right? The adrenalin rush, the excitement and the oomph feeling are incomprehensible? In the arms of the devil I felt safe and secure, they say the devil is in the detail, I will spare you that detail. The devil is a liar and has ugly horns, that's what they say. Oh, they are so wrong, sometimes he comes telling truths and looking so hot. The devil lives within my mind, he comes out in desires long barren and forgotten. He comes when I see all these wrong things and they seem so right. he does not slither like a dangerous snake or hide in the bushes ready to spike. Oh, he comes in confidence and swagger, he is smooth and sweet. Before I know it I am inviting him to my table and did I say he does not disappoint, the gentleman he is. I tell you it is only after you have kissed the devil, long after the snake has taken its form...

The phone rings and I hurriedly pick with a smile coz I knew you would feel the smile over the network, but alas it is not you. what a wasted effort, the telemarketer must think am a very happy person. The whole day I spend my time looking at the phone willing it to ring, hoping it is you, oh it is not, the third ring from the church reminding me of the parish commitment I made, how am I going to tell the priest we cannot make it, this is the third time I have to make an excuse for us. I have to let go accept you are never coming back. I hear a doorbell and almost break my leg rushing to open. I tell myself, your battery ran off, you were arrested, mugged, robbed off your phone, lost your phone etc., oh the trust I have in you. Its the girls scouts selling cookies, I give them some coins and they say we had promised to attend their parade. what can I say? I say yes we will be there for both of us even though I do not believe it. The whole night I keep vigil listening every time I he...

Saturday 14th July 2018, Mzee Patrick T Njuguna exited, quietly and with no further ado. On that morning I woke up to a nervous stomach and ''drove'' like crazy wondering what it was that I had eaten the previous night that was causing this, the world was quiet no status updates from my family on Facebook, no messages on the family WhatsApp group, nothing just an uncomfortable quietness that was also disturbing, I woke up quite early for a weekend or maybe it was coz of the ''driving'' I will never know, all I know is that he was gone and no one told me I just knew. My father has gone, he was old, he was sick I was even thinking I was ready for his demise, but no you can never be ready for death. Death is cruel they say but try death when you are alone in a multitude surrounded by many people, all of them meaning well but all you want are the familiar and the close. How do you cry in the arms of a stranger, how do you tell someone you meet discussing b...

At some point, something gotta give or you break. You can only persevere for so long. They say patience is a virtue, I say sometimes you need to take the bull by the horns at exactly that time it presents its horn. Today I may tell myself to wait, do the same tomorrow but before long it will be inevitable to wait any longer. Like a baby who has to be birthed the events will take control of time, of all wishes of personal thoughts I will no longer have the energy to stop the mechanisms of nature. Like a flooded river that has found its path, all will be washed on its way. It is usually at the breaking point that we rejuvenate and gain renewed strength. It is at our weakest points where breaking is gonna happen.  It is also at this point where we gather all we have, pick up the pieces and make the best of what is left. Today I want to spread these wings, they are fractured and broken, weak and fragile but I still got some inner strength and determination. Slowly they will regain t...

You have just met him, your heart beats faster, you think its magical, when was the last time you felt like this? you ask yourself, its been years, you even thought it was no longer possible. but here it is again the adrenaline rush, the quick breathing, the weakening of the knees the whole package, its indeed magical, after all these years so you open up and welcome the new feeling. FOOL. You are a fool, you have covered your heart with bandages and this new feeling derails you to think you are ok. The bandaged parts have not healed yet, you just covered them with these clothes on adhesive, underneath, the wound still oozes with pus. You have never changed those bandages or cleaned the wound, your heart is rotting. Girl  your hearts been broken and bandaged so many times it looks like a poor drawing from a kindergarten art class, smeared ink and paints all over the paper. You no longer know which woulds are fresh as repeatedly the old ones are scratched bare before they are ab...

As I write this am seated at my favourite couch, I should be working out to reduce this holiday fat but I am doing my favourite pass time procastination. The hardest part of waiting is not knowing what or who you are waiting for is aware you are waiting. While you are busy raving up and down checking the time every few minutes that seem to stretch more than the usual sixty seconds per minute, wondering why its taking them so long the awaited is not even aware and is calm and gently cursing why time flies so fast. The worst part of waiting is not knowing whether the other is arriving at your station. Waiting is the ultimate test of patience and hope,  you wait in the hope that, one the awaited will arrive, that they are coming to you and that you are at the right pace, now picture that. The one whom you are waiting for has all options you can think of and more chances maybe you are not one of the options or are at the wrong place and woe to you if you are on the wrong time. Al...

As a woman you need to surround yourself with fellow women of strong character, your to go to peeps, your shadow and your light in darkness and this is why........ 1. For yourself - You need a true friend, someone you can put your guard down with, you need someone not afraid to kick your ass and ask you to get up when you are having BS or behaving like an ass. Someone to cry with when you break your toe nail, someone to walk with you in this maze of life. You need that one pe rson that will drop everything and be on your side and stay there even when you insist you want to be alone, someone who will push you because they know your potential and will not accept mediocre from you. You need someone who will tell you, that fifth child your planning to have is a very bad idea because they know your youngest is still in diapers and understand your situation. Yes you need someone for you. 2. For your partner - you need someone to let them know you are special and will kick...

Happy birthday Rigz as you turn 13 today Where did time go?, I ask, when did you grow? As you officially enter teenage Rigz, I want to repeat the promises I made to you when you were born, be your mother to care tend and nurture, your friend for a shoulder to lean on your supporter and champion in all you do and your confidant. As you enter this age that separates you from childhood and veers you into adulthood, I want you to remember that I am your compass when you get lost think of me and you will know your true North and from hence you will get your direction back home. I want you to know that your friends may seem more important than us now and its OK but remember the values you have learned and don't sacrifice your character so you can look trendy, sometimes its OK to stand alone on firm ground. As from today you start a journey that may have turns and bends unfamiliar, ask and seek guidance, there is no shame in not knowing. Other hobbies will start interesti...